You Name Like the Pope
by aloxi
Summary: "I'd name my kid something cool," he decides. "Like… like Bartholomew. Or Ploxy." Jade/Beck drabbles.
1. Names

**disclaimer: **Still very much not mine.

**a/n: **God, I love Jade/Beck. Haha, I actually have a few more little drabbles on them- I wouldn't be adverse to turning this into a drabble collection, if you guys are into this one and would like to read more. It's fairly random, I'll admit (but hey, the original is from the mind Dan Schnieder; of _course _it's random xD), but let me know if I should post more and I shall. Feel free to gives any ideas you'd like to see. :D Enjoy & please review!

* * *

Most weekends, she sleeps with him in his RV— one of the only upsides to both of them having parents who don't really care what they do so long as the cops aren't involved —and it's when he's forcing her (_again_) to accommodate his love of board games (that even a thousand of her sarcastic remarks can't kill, dammit) and they're halfway through _The Game of Life _that the subject of names comes up. Jade's little plastic car has, literally, no more room for all the stick-kids she's piled up, and she's glaring.

"Can't I just leave one or two on the road to die of exposure?" she asks again.

"We do not leave children in roads, we love and nurture them."

"Yeah, yeah," Jade mutters, trying to poke her car along without letting her six children fall out. "This is ridiculous. If I e_ver _have this many kids in real life, I'm just going to call them one, two, three, four, five, and six. Or maybe A, B, C, D, E, and F."

Beck looks at her skeptically. "I don't think the government would take too kindly to that."

"Whatever."

"I'd name my kid something cool," he decides, tilting his chin to indicate it's her turn to spin. Jade does so with an audible groan, which he ignores. "Like… like Bartholomew. Or Ploxy."

Her eyes go wide. "Oh, your poor children."

"What?"

"Those are _disgusting._ 'Ploxy' isn't even a real name!"

"It is in some language," Beck defends, finally looking down to see where her car landed. "Oh, look." A grin blossoms on his face. "Twins."

"_What?_" Jade looks from him to the board as though one or the other is playing a horrible trick on her. Then she stuffs her hand in the bag, grabbing at two more stick figures. "What is this, like, eight? Wow, I am some kind of whore."

"Be nice."

"To _myself?_"

"Shh." He presses a finger to her lips; she snaps at it, which is admittedly kind of hot, then slams her kid-filled car down on the board. "What would you name your kids?" he asks. "For real?"

His finger is still on her mouth, which may be why she looks distracted and mutters without thinking too long: "I don't know… probably Anne. Or Mary, or David or something." Her eyes snap to his, glaring. "_Not _'Ploxy.' God, that sounds like some disgusting vitamin supplement."

But Beck's already cracking up. "I figured you'd go with Ruby. Or Gem. Or… Diamond or Copper or something."

Jade gives him a droll stare. "Yes, because I really am _that _cliché."

He spins the wheel again and then leans over the board to kiss her, lingering so long the spinner's gone silent by the time he pulls away. "It's better than sounding like the Pope," he points out, sliding his plastic car around a bend. "Really, 'Mary'?"

"Better than _Ploxy. _Christ." But her face is starting to flush, so, quick as lightning, he kisses her again.

"Mary Oliver," Beck muses, their foreheads touching. "I guess it sounds nice."

And she's smiling the way no one at Hollywood Arts has ever had the pleasure of seeing her do. "It's a'ight."

Beck finally pulls away, sprawling back and grinning. "But we're _so_ naming the next one Ploxy. Boy or girl."

"I will give it up for adoption," Jade threatens, the half-smile not quite gone from her face.

"I'll make sure they give you extra drugs during labor, so that way you'll be knocked out when the birth certificate shows up."

"Cruel." She grabs the nearest thing to her, one of his pillows, and flings it at his chest.

"Or maybe… Zinc."

"I hate you," she says, but she's laughing.

"I love you." Lunging forward, he manages to knock most of their game askew and push her onto her back. "Even if you name like the Pope." He kisses her cheek, her neck, and even without looking knows she's rolling her eyes.

"You better be glad I'm not the Pope," she tells him, arching when his mouth reaches her jaw line.

"What for?" he manages, because the way she tastes always distracts him.

Her legs wrap themselves around his waist. "The Pope's celibate, idiot," she pants, clinging to his neck.

But after a year and eleven months, even Beck Oliver knows an '_I love you_'when he hears it.


	2. Wordy

**a/n: **This is a short one, but I think it's cute. :D Thank you for the reviews! You guys are awesome.

* * *

You know that board-game obsession he has? It's the one that proves to him that Jade's inordinately good at Scrabble. The last time he made her play with him (which was accomplished by tackling her onto his bed and singing show tunes in her ear until she screamed and gave in, pretty much), she spent the entire time rolling her eyes and beat him by two hundred points.

"How's it my fault you can't strategize?" Jade demanded after he only stared when she got something like fifty points for a three letter word. "_God_."

"That is so ridiculous."

"Just because I can spell at a second-grade level—"

"You're so wordy," he said, ignoring her grumbling, and pecked her on the cheek. She smacked him, scowled, and then faintly smiled.

That combination, he decided right then, was better than any other girl's hundred-watt grin.


	3. 3:10 AM

**a/n: **So, can I fangirl obsessively for a moment? Because Avan Jogia (A.K.A. the guy who plays Beck) had a link to this fic left on his formspring account by the amazing **506thpir**, and he actually friggin' _read it_. xD Yeah, I've been flipping my shit pretty much all day over this~~ Thanks to the people who alerted me to that, and this chapter is so dedicated to **506thpir**, meaning I really hope you like this fic, hon. :D (Also, this one is _so_ not a drabble; my bad, **faerietaleredux**, I got carried away. xD Hope you like this one as much as the previous short fic!) And, again, thanks to **everyone **who reviews/faves/alerts/reads&enjoys this fic. :)

* * *

"—And so for the last five nights I've been listening to Trina scream about Fazini boots and rash creams in her sleep! Something _must_ be done."

Jade isn't listening to Tori's rambling, because, really, it's Tori freakin' Vega and by virtue of the fact that her lips have touched Beck's anything the chick has to say is pretty much worthless. Instead she's picking at her salad, wondering in the back of her mind where the hell in the RV she left her favorite bracelet when Beck suddenly breaks into the table's conversation with, "Jade talks in her sleep."

"…Excuse me?"

Jade turns on him, glaring, because what the hell? _One, _she does _not_ talk in her sleep, and _two, _he's basically admitting to being around her when she sleeps, which tells these people a lot more about their personal lives than she's comfortable with ever letting them know. _Ever_.

"I do _not,_" is what she settles on saying, stabbing viciously at her lettuce. It would scare anyone else into a lifetime of muteness, but this is _Beck, _and unfortunately he's never been afraid of her (despite her very best efforts).

"Do to," he says, nodding at her. "Please don't kill your salad."

Tori and Andre are snickering. "You're saying the girl who didn't sweat 'because it's gross' is a sleep talker?" Andre clarifies; Jade raises her fork at him for mentioning the sweating incident, since _dammit, _that was _traumatizing. _Beck grabs her wrist and pulls her arm back down.

"I don't sleep talk," she snaps. "End of discussion."

"You do so." Apparently, her boyfriend does not grasp the subtlety that is the tone _shut up about it before I break your face. _"Last week I had a twenty minute conversation with you about how Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster are best friends."

"I knew it!" Robbie shouts. "Vindication!"

"That _never _happened." Jade crosses her arms and narrows her eyes at Beck. "I don't recall that at all."

He smiles benignly. "You were asleep, of course you don't."

"I don't recall it because you're making it up!"

"You don't recall it because you're in denial."

Jade lets out a short, frustrated scream that makes Cat jump. "It's okay to talk in your sleep," the redhead offers, her voice comforting. "Sometimes my brother talks about cats in his sleep."

"No one cares!"

"You've never talked about cats," Beck muses. "One time you started talking about mushrooms, though."

"I. Did. Not," Jade informs him through gritted teeth.

"…Mushrooms?" Andre asks.

"Something about growing them in a monastery." Beck shrugs even as she snarls. "It was like two in the morning, I just said 'really?' a lot until she shut up."

"Dude!" He _knows _she hates being talked about like she isn't there, and she smacks him on the arm. "Can we move on from your lies?"

"Not lying," Beck sing-songs. Tori is laughing; Jade has the urge to take the remnants of her salad and shove it down the girl's shirt. "Oh, come on," he says, distracting her and nudging her side with his elbow. "It's cute."

"Aw," Cat giggles. "Jade's cute."

"Say that again and I will stab you in the eye."

"Girl's violent today," Rex announces from Robbie's lap. Jade growls, which Robbie takes as his cue to stuff the puppet into his bag as quickly as possible.

"I. Do _not. _Sleep talk," she says very deliberately, glaring at each person sitting at the table. Tori visibly swallows and Jade has to bite back a smirk. Grabbing her salad in one hand and Beck's fingers with the other, she stands up. "This conversation is over."

Stalking away with Beck right behind her, she's pretty sure she hears Tori mutter to Andre, "So how often are they together at two in the morning, anyway?"

* * *

"Jade."

"Go away."

"_Jade._"

"I hate you."

"Ja-a-a-de."

"Fall off a cliff."

"Jade is made, to get paid, in order to raid— Gatorade…"

"You suck at writing songs," she snaps at Beck groggily, and finally sits up in bed, stretching and rubbing her eyes. "_What _do you _freaking_ want_? _Because very, _very_ little warrants waking me up at ridiculous hours by singing crappy songs."

Beck's mouth twitches up into a grin as he kneels over her, holding his PearPhone. "I recorded something for you."

"…I'm going back to sleep."

But even as she flops back down, he's already pressed play, and then suddenly—

"_Hey, um, I'm going to record this for… posterity and stuff. Okay?"_

"_Mmkay…"_

"_So, Bigfoot. And the Loch Ness Monster."_

"_They're best— mmm, best, best friends." _

There's a quiet snort. _"Right. So how do you know they're best friends?" _

"_They go… trick-or-treating together…" _

"_Really?" _

"_Every— every year…"_

"_You're sure?" _Beck's recorded voice sounds endlessly amused, like he's two seconds away from a laughing fit. _"'Cause I thought they hated each other."_

"_No! They're, mmm, they're BFFs…"_

The sentence is left unfinished as Jade snatches Beck's phone away when he rolls onto his side, caught up in that laughing fit he'd been holding back for days. "What is this?" she demands, only a little bit hysterically, and starts clicking wildly through the options until the beautiful words _are you sure you would like to delete this recording? _appear.

Beck takes a deep breath, apparently trying to control himself. "Told you," is all he manages, and then falls into gales of— _obnoxious — _laughter again. "You sleep talk."

"I'm deleting it," Jade announces, finger hovering over the button.

"I'll just record something else, you do it enough," he answers, finding his breath, smile still on his face. "That was _awesome._"

"That was _sickening._" But the evidence is gone with a click, and Jade finally lets herself relax. _God. _Her face starts to burn, so she snaps, "If I ever use the phrase 'BFFs' again, feel free to punch me in the face."

"I wouldn't punch you," Beck says, fake-affronted, but there's enough distaste in his tone that Jade allows herself to smile the slightest bit— there are people who would _gladly _punch her, after all. And vice versa. "Mock you, probably, but not punch."

"I hate you," she says for the second time that night, perfectly aware she's lying. That's the thing— the guy records her sleep-talking about mythological creatures, wakes her up at ten past three in the morning to make her listen to the recording, and she _still _can't manage to _not_ not-hate him. It's a Voynich-manuscript-type mystery, and either proves that Beck is about twelve thousand different shades of amazing or that she's certifiably insane. Possibly both.

"So," Beck says after a moment's silence. His lips curve up. "Trick-or-treating together, huh?"

"Knock it off," she mutters, laying back down and tossing his PearPhone at him. It narrowly misses his head, which she considers a great disappointment. "Not that funny."

"So funny." Beck shoves her gently to the side so he can fit between her and the RV's wall, tossing the blanket over both of them. "In fact, it may be one of the greatest moments of my life."

"You're so witty," she deadpans, yawning. "Just shut up and sleep. We've got school tomorrow."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And if you mention this to the Idiot Squad at lunch, you will never _get _a chance to hear me… sleep-talk, again. _Ever_."

Beck starts plays with her hair. "Gotcha."

"And get _off _me," Jade orders, ducking away from his hand. "God."

"You're so weird," he says, and she's ready to argue but, holy crap, she's _sleepy _and he doesn't say it in a bad way, just a weirdly affectionate one, so she just buries her face in his pillow and mutters something to the effect of, "Shut _up._"

He knows what she _means _to say, anyway, and so whatever, that's good enough for her.


	4. Lamp

**a/n: **Once again, thank you for all the wonderful reviews. :D I'm loving writing this story, so it's great to know you guys love reading it. This one is more fun in Beck's RV. xD Trying my hand at an all dialogue fic, since that's really my favorite part of writing Jade/Beck. Feel free to point out if anything sounds awkward! I do want to get better. :)

* * *

"Babe, turn off the lights— I got a _lava lamp_."

"…Not, 'Babe, turn off the lights so we can make out.' Not, 'Babe, turn off the lights so we can do other fun, clothes-less activities.' Not even, 'Babe, I just pulled off a bank heist, turn off the lights so the cops don't get suspicious.'"

"…But now we can make out by the light of a _lava lamp_."

"That is so stunningly attractive that I cannot find words."

"Just hush and hold the cord, would you?"

"If this piece of crap electrocutes me to death, I am haunting the hell out of you as a ghost."

"I expected as much. Turn the lights off, come on!"

"You are so many kinds of lame. There, off. Happy?"

"That is so _cool._"

"A bunch of floating pieces of worthlessness. How fascinating."

"Words hurt, babe."

"Not as much as knives, so be glad I don't have some of those. Can we move on from your crappy sixties throwback?"

"But— look at it!"

"…"

"I don't appreciate you making those obscene gestures at my baby."

"Oh, it's your _baby _now. I see how it is."

"You're ruining its innocence, stop that!"

"It's an _inanimate object. _It has no feelings!"

"It has a soul, and you are stabbing it with your cruelty."

"Good."

"Look, look, it's going all swirly."

"Shall I applaud?"

"Please do."

"No."

"You see how you get my hopes up, then rip them down? Like building blocks of promise. That you kick with your shoe of eternal hatred."

"Sometimes I think you have a career in figurative writing."

"Wait wait wait— oh, there went the… what do you call that stuff? Lava goo?"

"I call it—"

"Never mind, don't want to know."

"Maybe I was going to say 'rainbows of joy.'"

"…"

"You're going to choke, you keep laughing like that."

"—_Sorry_, just… 'rainbows of joy'? Thank you, Cat."

"Oh, shut up."

"I think you secretly love this lava lamp."

"…Really."

"Yep. I think you're planning an elopement with it right now."

"Damn, you caught me."

"And one day you'll be cuddling with it in bed, all sweet—"

"Ignoring the fact that it would probably give me second-degree burns."

"Your love makes you immune to its heat."

"Occasionally, I wonder why I haven't punched you in the throat yet."

"And you'll be with the lava lamp in bed, content in your love— that was a very unattractive gag, babe."

"I'll try to pretty it up for you next time."

"So anyway, you'll be with the lamp, and you'll be like, 'Oh, Lamp, I'm so glad I left Beck for you.'"

"That is such an original name."

"Shush. And Lamp is like—"

"After magically acquiring speaking powers."

"Right. And Lamp is like, 'It's because I _burn _with love for you."

"You can quit the obnoxious nudges, I get your sad pun."

"I wonder how hot this thing really is."

"I wouldn't suggest actually—"

"OW!"

"—touching it."

"…That _hurt._"

"Brilliant job, babe."

"My finger is in pain."

"Maybe because you touched the base of a lava lamp while it was _on._"

"So judgmental."

"Oh, give me your hand, you wimp."

"Ow, quit it!"

"It's not even that bad. Suck it up."

"Tip: never become a therapist."

"Be a man."

"…Hey, if you break into that Mulan song, I might consider turning off the lamp."

"Please."

"But then it would be dark."

"Yes, I am aware of the concepts of light and dark."

"You like the dark."

"Correction: I like things that can be done in the dark."

"Sing, and we'll do those things in the dark."

"Oh, no way am I— quit! That's _not—_"

"You know you want to sing."

"I'm not singing a Disney song for you, not even if— _stop, _God,you know that's considered sexual harassment—"

"Not when you like it, and _please_ sing it for me."

"Who says I l-like it?"

"You just stuttered."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Liar."

"Stutterer."

"Not a— _s-stop it_ —word."

"Point?"

"I— 'cause— oh hell, I don't remember!"

"I believe I just won."

"I think everybody wins when it involves your hand up my shirt. And turn off the lamp."

"But you haven't sung for me."

"Jesus, just turn the thing off."

"Hey—"

"_God._"

"Oh. Hi."

"Yo."

"You're in my lap."

"Thank you, Catherine Obvious."

"You'll be mocking that forever, won't you?"

"Most likely."

"Good to know. And not that I don't enjoy this, but I still haven't had my song."

"You're incorrigible."

"It's hot when you use words I can only decipher through context clues."

"Hey, babe."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Aw, come on, don't turn off the— and you turned off the lamp."

"I like the dark."

"So I've heard."

"I like activities done in the dark."

"Are you hinting at something?"

"You're an idiot."

"I love you."

"Get your hand up my shirt again."

"Whatever you say, babe. Whatever you say."


	5. Pale

**a/n: **It's been awhile. :) But thank you guys for all the amazing reviews in the meantime! I appreciate all of them _so_ much. Oh, and I love the mini-conversation that broke out about Jade n' Beck's matching necklaces. xD I _have _to fic that sometime.

Also, I saw a picture somewhere of Beck and Aladdin next to each to each other (it's relevant, I promise!). And I don't know where Cat went in this chapter. D: She's… eating red velvet cupcakes. Oh, and the first line is a reference to Beck and Jade's conversation over on The Slap. Yeah, I read it. xD And, on a vaguely serious note, please tell me how you liked Beck's POV for this chapter; first-person is not my strong point. :) Otherwise… enjoy!

* * *

Jade is in the middle of counseling me on what to do to my hair when she's out of town for the weekend (i.e., nothing— I can't be looking attractive when she's not around. Duh) when Tori flops down beside her.

"My life's the worst."

"Whatever," Jade says, leaning away from Tori like she's got a communicable disease. Because I'm nice, I scoot down a little so there's more space between the two of them. Like we need a fight today. Or ever. (And, honestly, as much as I like Tori and think she's pretty cool— yeah, Jade would win in a fight. In two seconds. With one hand.)

Andre pops up with his lunch and sits down on Tori's other side. "Whatsamatter?"

I start playing with Jade's hair. The colored stripes are red this week, and I contemplate mentioning that they're basically the same red-velvet-cupcake shade as Cat's. Nah. She might not-hate Cat, but she'd probably still punch me somewhere mildly painful for bringing it up.

"—stupid art class," Tori's muttering when I tune back into the conversation. Jade swats my hand away and I put it right back. She glares. I kiss the side of her head.

"Yo, break up the affection!" And Robbie and Rex are here. Wooh. Jade accompanies my thought with an eye roll.

"Yo, I'm gonna break your puppet face," she snaps back, then settles against me again.

Robbie looks partially terrified for a second. Man, she's not _that _scary. I think. Maybe I have some weird immunity to JadeTerror™. And yes, I have in fact trademarked her unique brand of fright.

Anyway. What about Tori's art class?

"I have to draw a person," she's explaining to Andre, waving a piece of blank paper forcefully at his face. I'm sure it's proving her point all the better. _Kidding_. I like Tori.

…Not like _that. _God. She's just kind of adorable. If I was trying to get Jade a ring or something, I'd take her along to make sure I didn't screw it up. I think that pretty accurately sums up our relationship.

Hey, look, Jade's hair. Sue me, I can't help it— the red keeps getting caught in the sun and _asking _me to touch it. Her fault for streaking it that color. Jade used to wear her hair in ponytails a lot when we first started dating, but after about six straight months of me telling her I liked it all down and loose and whatnot, she finally started listening. It's true! How could anyone keep hair that pretty all tied up? It's an Agatha-Christie-esque crime, dammit.

"Beck!"

"Huh?"

"_Huh?_" Jade mocks under her breath. I frown at her and turn to Tori. Is she still talking about her art class? Maybe I should start paying more attention to things besides Jade and her hair.

Tori flaps her blank paper at me. "Who should I draw for my art project?"

"…Trina?" They live in the same house: convenience!

Andre snorts. "Yeah, no."

But, of course, I am dismissed.

"If I dared draw anything about her wrong, she'd have a meltdown," Tori explains. Ah. From what I've seen of Trina, that is an actual concern. Sadly enough. I'm glad Jade doesn't do stuff like that. I much prefer being kicked in the groin to having to deal with chicks like Trina. Which probably says a lot about me, but whatever.

Tori turns to Robbie, looking desperate. "Robbie? Who can I draw and _not _fail completely at?"

My hand is already over Jade's mouth before it's even all the way open to spew out a decidely unkind remark. Nobody notices because they're all focused in the other direction, which I guess is good, because a second later she bites my palm. "Ow," I mutter. "Be _nice._"

"'Mm nice," she mumbles, glaring so hard I'm pretty sure I need to be thanking some deity or another that she doesn't possess laser vision. I let her go, and she promptly wipes her mouth.

"I don't have cooties," I remind her.

"I hate you."

"I don't know!" Robbie suddenly bursts out, puppet sitting serenely in his lap. That thing both annoys me and creeps me out. He waves his hands at Tori. "Just make stick figure!"

"I can't do that!" She sounds genuinely upset. Huh. Jade rolls her eyes and murmurs, "Drama queen."

"Duh," Rex pipes up, and I try not to groan. _Oh God. _How can Robbie have his normal voice, and his puppet's 'man' voice?

Tori actually swivels around to face him. "What?"

Rex leans in a little too close. What is up with that puppet and semi-sexual harassment? "Just leave the paper like that and say it's Jade in a snowstorm," he suggests .

…What?

Jade and Tori blink in unison. It's actually kind of amusing. Until Jade slams her hand on the table and hisses, "_Not. Funny._"

Uh-oh. Andre's cracking up. Luckily, he has the good sense to hide it behind his drink; Robbie is busy giving Rex horrified looks. Like he wasn't the one who, you know, _said _it. Much as I love Cat, I can't get over how she treats that thing like it has a functioning brain of its own.

Now Tori's glancing at Jade.

Oh, she is not going to say it.

I try and send her brain-signals to keep her mouth shut, because Jade's all tense already and this is really, _really _not the time to keep going with the subject. It would, in fact, be borderline-suicide. But unfortunately, my telepathy seems to be non-functional today.

"Wait a minute…" Tori says wonderingly, holding up the paper next to Jade's face like it's giving her a vision. "That might actually-"

Jade screams. Even _I _jump. "I'm _leaving,_" she announces, which means I'm leaving too. She stands up and shoves her salad away. I think she may have been aiming to make it topple onto Tori, but the bowl doesn't tip over. Ah well; you can't have everything. I let her drag me away to another, more secluded table, which is admittedly pretty blissfully quiet.

"…What are you thinking?" I ask her, after a minute in which she hopefully calms down a little.

Jade takes a deep breath, then looks away. "I really want my salad back."

I laugh. See, she wouldn't have said that in front of anyone else. I must be magical. "I'll go buy you another one."

"Nah." A scowl makes its way onto her face. "I don't need a salad. Obviously, I need a freaking dead cow or pig or something, because I must have some goddamn iron so I won't be quiet as hideously pale."

Man. I drag her closer to me, so she's almost sitting in my lap. "You're not hideous."

Jade raises an eyebrow at me. "I was _kidding. _Chill."

"Were not." I can _tell. _I'm like Jade's human polygraph test. "You just _seem _pale," I try to console her, even though by now she's most likely dead set against that fact that she _needs _consoling. "By comparison, you know."

She snorts. "Thanks, Aladdin."

"Just sayin'." Cat started calling me Aladdin a few months ago after she saw the movie and my face and somehow connected the two. I don't even know. (And my hair's totally better.) "Plus, you know Tori's half-Latina. So you just happened to have surrounded yourself with very tan people."

Jade makes another scoffing noise in the back of her throat. "Whatever. Can we move on from your obsession with my lack of melanin?"

I frown at her. "_You_ got pissed about the puppet's comment. I didn't."

"Whatever."

I hate that stock phrase. "Well, _I _happen to think that pale is very, very pretty." I look down at her face to gauge her reaction— and catch what might have been the tail end of a smile. Success! Oh, I am _so_ milking this. I tilt her face up to mine. "You _smiled_."

She shakes her head. It makes her hair fly around her shoulders and the red catch the sun again. "I smiled because you're an _idiot_."

"Weak." I kiss her lightly, then pull back until just our foreheads are touching. "You were smiling 'cause I called you pretty."

Jade's eyes flutter closed. "That's so ridiculous," she mutters.

"Hmm?"

Her face scrunches up for a second, like she's attempting to censor herself, before finally _saying screw it._ "Like five hundred and nine different guys have called me hot, okay, and… it's just so freaking ridiculous," she sighs against my mouth, "that coming from you, _pretty _is about twelve thousand times better."

Wow. I pull away and grin down at her, because really, this moment deserves some kind of medal for pure _awesome._ "Jade West, you just said something _romantic._"

"Excuse me? I did _not!_" She straightens and narrows her eyes. There go her hair streaks again. "That was an _observation, _a statement of fact."

"Yeah." I tug her closer again. "A _romantic _one."

"I _despise _you."

"Don't believe you. What with you being so romantic and all."

"I'm going to put a knife in your lunch tomorrow," she growls. "So you _swallow _it."

"That is so charming. It fits well with your new romantic image."

"You suck," Jade informs me venomously. I kiss the crown of her head. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy on the planet who really does prefer that to 'Gosh babe, I _adore _you.' You see how twisted Jade's made me?

Not that I'm complaining; Jade is definitely worth getting a little twisted over. Just don't go around mentioning it.

(But it's not like I'm going to have you swallow a _knife_ or anything. Maybe I should start bringing her to my yoga classes.)


	6. Spider

Beck finds out the hard way that Jade is not a fan of spiders.

It's something like eleven at night when he catches one skittering around his RV; Jade's lying upside down on the bed, reading some book that's larger than most newborn babies, and he leans over her with said arachnid in his palm.

"Look what I caught," he tells her, and Jade responds with a glance and then a very impressive ninja roll away from him.

"I'm going to kill you."

"…Babe?"

She scrambles off the bed. "I _hate_ you."

"Chill out," Beck soothes, because wow. This is unexpected. He examines the spider again, trying to see if maybe he missed some radioactive glare or poisonous stickers or something, but no. It's just a spider.

Slowly, he stands up and advances toward her.

"Get. Away. From me."

"Are you _scared _of spiders?"

"_Fuck _you," she spits back, running a hand anxiously through her hair. He steps forward. She steps back until she's pressed against the wall. Beck looks from the spider to her and back again.

This is weird.

"You can beat down two seniors when they stare at your ass, but you won't be within three feet of a harmless spider?"

Jade fists a hand in her hair. "I fucking hate you and I hope you get run over by a truck filled with _acid_."

"That doesn't sound fun," he says absently, cupping the spider gently so it doesn't skitter up his arm. Then he looks up at her and frowns. "Calm down, babe— you look like you're about two minutes away from hysterical."

He takes another step forward and she closes her eyes, hand still in her hair. "Is there some connection here that I'm missing?" he asks, almost reaching out to hug her before remembering the spider still in his hand, which would probably mean his hug wouldn't go over too well (they didn't half the time anyway, because Jade usually punched his arm and called him a pansy, but still).

She takes a deep breath. "My mom used to date this dude when I was like six, right?" she says randomly, her words coming out so fast he cocks his head in concentration. "So he spent like half our money on chiz—"

"German sausage?"

"_Yes,_" Jade says testily, combing her fingers through her hair again. This is like some weird psychological case study. Her breaths start to shake when she continues, "And so we had to live in this super crappy trailer thing, shut _up_, and Mom never sprayed the stupid pest spray-ee stuff and there were spiders in, in my room and they used to c-crawl in my hair while I was asleep, _okay?_"

Beck's face turns horrified. "That sounds _traumatizing_."

"_Yeah,_" she yells at him, her voice much higher than normal. "So I would appreciate it if you would get the hell away from me with that thing, _thanks._"

He thinks for a second. "No, I think you should hold it."

Jade's face is some mixture of complete shock and complete horror, but she reins it in quickly. "I think I should go have sex with a really attractive male celebrity, but unfortunately for me that's not happening either," she snaps.

"You can't stand ninety-five percent of celebrities, male or otherwise," he points out, then offers up his hand. Jade jumps and then pointedly looks away like that will have stopped him from noticing. "Come on, it'll be good for you. Therapeutic."

"No, therapy would be me grabbing you by the throat and—"

"It's not going to hurt you," Beck interrupts soothingly. The spider skids around in his palm. "It's like, half the size of your fingernail."

Her hand goes to her hair again. "Don't wanna. Not gonna."

But his mind is set, which means it's going to be a very long night.

* * *

It takes three and a half hours to get Jade to hold the thing for ten seconds.

At midnight he dances with the spider. A half hour later they're singing a duet, which means that if Sikowitz ever asks him to do improv as an arachnid, he's set. By one thirty he's created an elaborate obstacle course on the floor between he and Jade for it to run through. At two he does a mime act with it. Two thirty has him right in front of Jade and singing some cheesy love song with about twenty occurrences of the word 'baby' to the spider so that she'll laugh instead of freak out, like she's obviously incredibly close to doing. And then, just a second later, she finally, haltingly holds out her hand for him to drop it into.

"Success!" Beck cheers, about the time she flings it to the ground.

"You are the worst boyfriend in the history of the goddamned world," she growls, stalking over to her bag and grabbing what he can only guess is a container of hand sanitizer. Why she carries it around with her, he decides not to ask.

Rolling his eyes, he grabs the spider and lets it go outside, probably what the thing had been wanting for the past, oh, four hours. Jade's sitting on her knees on his bed when he tackles her, kissing the side of her head.

"Good job."

"Shut _up_."

"I'm serious," he says, and pulls them over onto their sides so he can keep holding her. "That was awesome."

Jade narrows her eyes. "Quit talking to me like I'm five."

"I could be singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider song."

"Then again, 'awesome' works."

"In fact, I may regale the guys with this tale of your bravery Monday at sch—"

She shoots up. "Mention this and I'll murder you with a blunt object."

He tugs her back down and smiles, shrugging. "Have it your way."

With a disgruntled sigh, Jade settles against him. It only takes a few minutes before she yawns, her eyes fluttering closed. Beck reaches over gently and flips off the light switch.

"_And the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…_"

"Blunt object!"

"Shutting up."

* * *

**a/n: **Note at the bottom, mixin' it up. xD Unfortunately the whole spider-in-hair thing did in fact happen to me as a kid, which is how this fic was born. -.- Gah. Anyway! So you all may have noticed that I sadly don't do review replies, because my computer is a… lady of questionable morals (*g*) and won't send me e-mail alerts with the convenient "reply to review" button. But this makes me feel bad, 'cause I love you guys. :/ Are you all cool with having me PM replies instead? Or if you're anon you can just leave me an e-mail and I'll totally get back to ya. :D Lemme know? And I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	7. Denial

**a/n: **I love how at one point I updated, like, every two days. x) On another note, HI MY NAME IS REVIEWERS AND I'M ~AWESOME. I never expected so much feedback for this but I get so excited that people enjoy it. Seriously. :D Basically I would like to bake you all a cake shaped like Jade and Beck. xD That's intense love, right there.

SO THIS FIC. We're taking a trip into ~the past, aka eighth grade. Enjoy! I had fun writing Jade's POV for once. :)

* * *

Jade West is not fond of people.

Generally, all of them are annoying. They say ridiculous chiz and act idiotic and talk about stupid stuff all day long until she is genuinely ready to punch someone in the throat. That's what makes block-able cell numbers such an amazing invention; if she's forced to talk to anyone, there's very little chance they'll be able to call her back. And Jade likes it that way.

Until.

_Until _stupid Beck with his stupid hair and his stupid face, who totally ignores her when she informs him that she would rather strangle kittens in a Romanian orphanage than date him. But if she won't _date _him then he apparently wants to be her _friend, _except what are they, five? So he calls her every night before she goes to bed, which only makes her consciously attempt to go to sleep earlier, so his plan's kinda backfiring. Especially considering the only time she did answer, her exact words before throwing her cell at the wall were, "Leave me alone or I can _guarantee_ that NO ONE will be able to find your body!"

But he still. Doesn't. Stop. Every damn night for, what, a month— every single night he calls, lets it ring out, then leaves her a message. And it's totally ridiculous for her to keep listening to them, because he always says pretty much the same damn thing, but she guesses she's keeping the hope alive that maybe one day it will be "Hey, I'm done with this, I finally get it. I'll leave you alone." Instead of:

"Hey Jade, it's Beck. Which I'm sure you're aware of, but I have this compulsion to clarify it anyway. Just wanted to say, have a good night. And call me back if you want. I'll see you tomorrow."

Unfortunately, that last part is true, because they have stupid drama class together; the class for the people who got chosen to go to Hollywood Arts next year, and Jade does have to grudgingly admit that the guy _is _an actor.

But that doesn't mean she finds him in any way tolerable. Quite the opposite, in fact, especially when they have scenes together, which of course they pretty much _always _do. Their drama coach is under the impression that they have great _chemistry, _which Jade supposes is code for "this guy wants to get in your pants, so you act well together. And go!"

It's— unsettling, acting with Beck. He always stares straight at her, and she really can't help but stare back because _hello, _they're doing a _scene_ together, and somehow no matter how bland a piece they've been given to act out it always ends up so intense that hopping off the stage afterward, she has to catch her breath.

Obviously, it's because her hatred makes it difficult to take adequate amounts of oxygen into her lungs.

Point being. Not to sound like a valley girl, because that would just make her want to gouge her own eyes out, but the appropriate phrase seems to be _"Why are you so obsessed with me?"_ So she's hot, she gets it. Guys stare at her all the time, but they don't _talk _to her. They make out with her, which is the best part of any date she has, but nobody _talks. _They text and she answers occasionally, but only when she knows that if she doesn't, they won't be making out any time soon.

People are weird. People are freaks, people have _issues_. Which is exactly why Jade ignores Beck and his stupid phone calls and his stupid messages. There's nobody on the planet she could say she would voluntarily deal with on a regular basis. Even Beck-freaking-Oliver.

Then one morning she rolls over in bed and grabs her cell and flips it open to play his stupid message like she does every morning— except there's no message to play.

She sort of stares at the phone for a second, like, _excuse me, what? _Are we in the Twilight Zone, Back to the Future, Candyland? What the fuck is this?

And then she's relieved, because _thank God _the dude finally figured out that in her life he was at about the same level as various fungi. Vindicated, liberated, Jade snaps her phone shut and throws the blankets back over her head. No more Beck Oliver infringing on her cellular device, staring into her eyes onstage, bugging her _all_ day, _every_ day. He finally gave up.

Then, two hours later when she slides into drama class three minutes before the bell, she punches him in the arm as hard as she can.

"_Ow_." He rubs the area with a wince. "That hurt."

"Pansy," she snaps back.

"May I ask why you just assaulted me?"

"No."

And then class starts and she gets herself paired up with crazy Cat Valentine to do an improv scene, and it's _awesome _to act with someone without that weird I-hate-you-so-much-get-away-from-me tension that she and Beck have. Had. Ew.

So Jade goes home and manages to get to her room without her mom trying for one of those lets-do-each-other's-makeup-and-try-on-clothes-yay! bonding-type activities that make her want to hurl. Does homework because despite all appearances she does in fact complete (most) of her schoolwork, grabs a salad after Mom leaves to go clubbing for the night (um, someone explain how _exactly_ this woman birthed her? Please?), and is chilling with her PearPod and a book when her stupid cell starts ringing.

The most disturbing thing is, sometime over the past month she had apparently accidentally-subconsciously memorized Beck's number.

Crap.

Jade had purposefully chosen the most annoying ringtone she had for him, which now that she thinks about it means that somewhere along the line she had actually, you know— put his number into her phone. Like he was someone she didn't despise.

She sits there and lets it go to voicemail, like, what the hell else is she supposed to do? _Answer it? _Um, how about not. Then she turns down the music and flips open the phone, just in case he was stupid enough to leave a message.

…Which he was. Duh, this is Beck Oliver, of course he's an idiot. Why is she shocked? Jade rolls her eyes because he's such a total moron it makes her want to cry just a little, then hits play.

"Hey, so, I figure you know it's me by now. Um. Look, I had to go with my dad to this work thing last night, so I didn't call you. I guess that's why you hit me in drama, but then again maybe I breathed wrong, so. Just… call me back whenever."

So there's this long pause and she's like, _Idiot, hang up the phone much? _Then his voice comes back and he adds, "Also, just so you know— I'm probably not going to stop trying any time soon. For the record."

Then the phone clicks, and the message ends.

…Well, _really. _

Before she can possibly manage to consider things rationally, which as everyone knows is for _losers, _Jade hits redial.

"Hello?"

"Um, _for the record,_ I kind of want to stab you in the neck with a steak knife. Like, _now_."

"Well, while that sounds like a barrel of _not_ fun—"

"Look, I didn't even notice that you didn't call me the other night, okay?" she interrupts, because damn, how does he not even acknowledge the fact that she just _called him back _and threatened him with severe bodily harm? What is _wrong _with this guy, how many different kinds of crack is he smoking? "Sometimes I just get the urge to punch you and this morning I happened to give in."

"Ah. So, coincidence?"

"Coincidence." She nods, then feels like slapping herself because, what? He can't _see_ you, get a _grip_.

"Too bad," he says, and for whatever inane reason she can _tell _he's smiling. Freak. "'Cause I was just about to throw a party over the fact that you noticed I didn't call."

"I'm afraid you'll have to get the deposit back on the strippers."

"Nah, thinkin' I might keep those for now."

"Perv."

Then Jade has to stop, because holy shit, are they, like… _bantering?_ To quote herself, what the fuck is this?

"I'm hanging up now," she announces.

There's a pause. "Oh. All right."

"Quit sounding all sad, it's _really_ pathetic."

But all he says to that is, "I'll call you tomorrow."

And she snorts. "Waiting with bated breath."

"I knew it."

"Just shut up and go find some whore to entertain yourself with until you get the pleasure of talking to me again."

Not exactly _'I'll be back,'_ but Jade thinks it's a nice parting sentiment nonetheless.


	8. Commenting

**a/n: **Oh my God, it's kind of almost a drabble this time. xD Experimentin' with styles again. And ahlfkahflaj;l thank youuu to **everyone **who does the reviewing/faving/alerting/enjoying. :D Seriously. Light of my life, you guys, light o' my life. Hope you like this one too! (And there's a Dane Cook reference to be found, because he amuses me x).)

* * *

_I love you, Jade._

Well. It was all well and good when he said it after she _told _him to, but stating it out in the open like that? No. That wasn't cool. Scowling, Jade clicked 'leave a comment' and typed, _Sap. _Soon enough, it appeared beneath Beck's offending status update. Satisfied that the issue had been taken care of, she returned to her homework.

A ping interrupted her not five minutes later. Another comment had been left under hers. To the right of Beck's face she read, _You know you like it. _

'Leave a comment.' _You sound like a rapist. _

This time she was only able to devote three minutes to the symbolism in Oedipus Rex before her laptop pinged again.

_I see you don't deny my previous statement. :)_

She fired off a reply without thinking. _I told you I hate those stupid faces. And, oh yeah, I hate you too, while I'm at it. _

Harsh, but how else was she supposed to get her point across? The guy had to learn.

Ping.

_:) :) :) :) :) __I love you, while I'm at it._

Jade slammed at the keys. _Sometimes I don't know why I keep you around. _

Now then. Act 2, Scene I—

Ping.

_Because you adore my existence._

Ugh. She was going to break her keyboard soon.

_Um. No. I tolerate your presence. _

Homework time. Jade cracked her knuckles. Act 2, Scene—

Ping.

Beck's face seemed to morph from smiling to smirking at she read. _You tolerate it an awful lot for supposedly hating me, dear._

Godammit.

SlamslamSLAM. _Don't call me 'dear.' _

Did he ever comprehend what she said? Just— _ugh. _The blank document stared up at her from the screen. Okay. Act 2, Sce—

Ping.

Bastard.

_I notice you only say that when we're in public spaces. ;)_

Deciding that "I notice you're a bitch" would be toeing the line of appropriateness, Jade slammed out the second-best reply: _Go trip down a well. __**Darling**__. _

Seriously. Homework. Oedipus Rex, symbolism, she had this. Act 2, Sc—

Ping.

_I'd pull you down with me, __**sweetheart**__._

Well, now he was just being freaking difficult.

_I hope you know that you make me want to punch infants._

Jade refreshed the page, waiting until she was sure her comment had appeared. Now to close out of The Slap, because seriously, she could fight with Beck any time, she needed to do her—

Ping.

Crap. Hating herself a little, she gave in to temptation and refreshed the page again.

_I hope you know I love you, dear._

Jade rolled her eyes. Then, after a slight pause, she began to not-so-slammily respond. He had _better _be thankful for this one. She clicked 'comment' and her face promptly popped up on the bottom of the screen.

…_I love you too. _

By the time two more minutes were up, she had systematically deleted each of her comments on his status. No need for anyone besides Beck to ever see that; now they'd just think he was having a freakish conversation with himself.

Right. Boyfriend, happy. Check. Onto Act 2, S—

Ping.

Jade frowned. She pulled up the page, half-afraid she had screwed up and her nasty declaration of love was still there, and someone else had commented on it (because then she'd have to kill them tomorrow, and really, it was too early in the week for bloodshed). But it was still just Beck's face all the way down to his newest comment.

_Knew you'd do that. Screencapped your last comment. New background on my phone. _

Her jaw dropped. What a—

Screw appropriate.

Jade's face appeared on the page again beside her latest addition to the conversation: _Bitch. _

Barely ten seconds passed before her laptop pinged again.

_Happy anniversary to you too. :)_


	9. Money

**a/n: **Hi, my name's aloxi, I'm a junior in high school and I suck at juggling work and writing fanfic. :D Guys, this is like the perpetual unfinished fic. Srsly. It always says complete because it started as one drabble. xD It neeeever ends. But in case I ever, like, die or get a freakin' job, it says complete. So people get closure. Or something.

…& I love all the reviews, thank youuu. :) This chapter's totally for **Lovely Amelie. **Because I almost put this off 'til tomorrow, but her Jade/Beck loneliness saddened me deeply. Have at it, baby. :D

Also, references to sex abound herein. You have been warned.

* * *

"Uh—"

Of course, I forget what I'm going to say the second I start recording. Of course. I readjusted my laptop, straightening out the webcam. "Yeah, it's Beck. Obviously." As Jade would say: _Lame. _"So, a bunch of people have been asking me about how I can play the guitar. Which… I don't know why that's so fascinating…" I grabbed the neck of said guitar and pulled it over to me on the bed. Why move when you can be lazy? "But I'm bored, so I figured I would live up to my role as entertainer and play a song—"

Which would be when I was interrupted by my door being slammed into the opposite wall with the force of a really pissed off pro-wrestler.

"Dude!"

Jesus _Christ. _I twisted around, not bothering to hit the stop button because that goes really low on a person's priority list when their door gets _mauled. _Again.

"Jade! Do we really have to have this conversation for the fourth time? Doors are like babies, you don't slam them into walls!"

"What_ever_." But my stunningly kind-hearted girlfriend did in fact take the time to knock the RV door closed with her heel. I winced, still holding my guitar. Jade threw her bag down to the floor and promptly flung herself onto the bed beside me. "Dude!"

"Wow, double 'dude.' This must be intense."

She shoved my arm, but not hard enough to potentially bruise. What's got her in such a good mood? "Okay," Jade said, drawing her legs together to sit Indian style, then caught sight of the laptop. "Why are you recording?"

"Song for The Slap." I patted the guitar and it echoed hollowly around the room. Man, I love this thi— "Jade! Don't take my guitar!"

"Oops," she said, letting it clatter onto the floor. What the hell? "Anyway." Jade tucked her hair behind her ears. "I had the most epic idea."

"Epic enough to fling my items to the ground?"

"_Sorry,_" she sighed. When I raised my eyebrows at her, she bent forward, kissed my cheek, and fell back down onto the bed. And she is officially forgiven. Wow, I'm whipped.

Jade clapped her hands together. "Okay: Epic. Idea."

"The webcam's still recording, you know."

"Don't care. So you know how we're poor teenagers that need money desperately, right?"

I stayed facing my laptop and gave her a sideways glance. "Yeees…" Unfortunately. Living in an RV free of parents does have some financial downfalls. "Go on."

"I was _going _to. Moron." Token insult. Back to subject in five, four, three, two… "I figured out a solution."

Huh. Wait, this is interesting. "What solution?" I'm all for monetary gain; lay it on me.

Jade leaned over and put her chin on my shoulder. "Okay. You have to swear you'll think about it before you veto automatically."

Oh God. "It worries me so, _so _deeply that this is something I'm likely to automatically veto."

She waved her hand at the laptop, all nonchalant. The red recording light blinked at me like a warning, which was probably accurate considering Jade's ideas tended to frighten me. There was one with Tori and some jackals that I won't _even_ get into.

"Alright." She looked up at me through her lashes, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "Just, swish it around in your brain a little bit, consider it…"

Okay, now I'm getting nervous. "'It' being…?"

Jade nodded her head emphatically, apparently convinced she was about to impart some great wisdom on me. She spread her hands out wide, like Jesus. If Jesus was really white and had blue streaks in his hair.

"_Sex tape,_" she announced.

Oh. My. God.

"Veto!" I yelled, scrambling away like she meant to put her plan into action right then. Which, knowing Jade… "Veto, veto, veto to the twenty-third power! Veto!"

"No, come on!" Jade lunged toward me, dragging me back and anchoring my hands under hers. "_Think_ about it."

I shook my head. "Thought, thank, thoughted, whatever. Not happening." Pause. "What is _wrong _with you?"

Cue her sinking her nails into my skin. "Ow!"

"You have to think _logically,_" she said, like she didn't just suggest going the way of several sad celebrities and various porn stars. "Like, ugly to moderate looking people can get serious cash. And we're _hot. _That's a barely tapped market in the realm of sex tapes! Hot people!"

"We're not that desperate for money!"

Jade tilted her head. "So what I hear you saying is that when we get desperate enough, you're on board."

Chiz. "_No, _that's not what I—"

"Babe! Come. On." She backed away a little to fling her hands into the air. "We're hot, we're kinky, that's like a magic money-making combination."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "We are not _kinky._"

Jade smirked at me. Dammit. "Do you not recall that time at the beach?"

"…Oh. Yeah."

"And the time when your dad left for a week on business…"

"Oh. Yeeeah..."

"And that time when school let out early and the library was emp—"

"O-_kay_, I get it!" I yelped. "You can stop talking now!"

The sad thing is, she's not even blushing a little bit. Stupid inhibition-less girlfriend. …_Anyway. _I made a face at her. "Sex tapes are not the answer."

"Are too."

There go her glaringly powerful abilities of debate, shining right on through. I sighed and speared my fingers through my hair. "May I suggest a compromise?" I feel so dirty.

Jade regarded me. "I guess."

"First comes declaration of bankruptcy. Then… sex tape."

She drummed her fingers against her thigh, apparently thinking it over. "I'm holding you to that," she finally told me threateningly. Win!

"My new goal in life is to become financially savvy." Now that she seemed less likely to punch me anywhere extremely painful, I reached out and pulled Jade closer. Her foot came precariously close to knocking the laptop off the bed, but she just slammed it shut (must she slam everything?), kicked off her boots, and said, "Please never use the word 'savvy' in daily conversation."

"But it makes me sound cool."

"No it doesn't."

"But—"

"No. It _really _doesn't."

"Be that way." I dragged my hands through her hair, leaning against the wall with her conveniently on top of me. I am a fan of this position. Shocker. I'm a teenage guy, I'm fond of anything involving my hot girlfriend having bodily contact with me.

"So I'm thinking," Jade said, making herself more comfortable, and raised an eyebrow at me. How does she do that with just one? It's like magic. "We totally need to start practicing for this sex tape thing."

"And they say the _guy _is the over-sexed one in relationships… Hey!" _Ouch. _"No hitting when you're trying to get somebody to sleep with you."

"Who says I'm _trying? _You _are,_" she informed me, and, well. Jade does have a very good track record for being right. Who am I to ruin it?


	10. Sick

**a/n: **Oh God, where have I been? I don't even know. Here, have some more Jade/Beck. Somebody said they enjoyed 3rd person POV more, and this resulted. It amused me deeply for whatever reason, and my 'what-not-to-post' filter is kind of sketchy. Oh! Also, I don't think I've updated since it happened, but for those who don't know, this fic won Best Humor in the Victorious Awards. ;D Eee. Thanks to everyone who keeps reading and liking!

Oh, and props to Ava for the totally now canon fact that Beck loves Full House. xD

* * *

There were many things Beck Oliver enjoyed on a Tuesday morning. Waffles. Non-blinding sunlight. His awesome tie-dye colored cup. Actually having all of his homework finished. Birds that sang in a less-than-annoying fashion. Hairbrushes. Reruns of _Full House_ playing before school. Syrup on _top_ of waffles.

Notably not included on the list was waking up to his girlfriend puking her guts out.

"Babe— what are you—" Beck struggled into a sitting position on the bed, squinting at the floor where Jade was currently bent over in what seemed like an extremely uncomfortable fashion. "What happ—"

"I'm _puking!_" Jade yelled back, and promptly proved it by doing so again. Beck winced. At least he had that trash can by his bed. Tossing blankets to the side, he fell onto his stomach and reached out to touch Jade's back gently. She jerked away, her knuckles white on the metal rim of what Beck was sure was going to require lots of disinfectant later on.

"Don't touch me, I'm sick," she muttered.

"I gathered."

He leaned over and grabbed for his phone; Jade's mad scramble for the trash can had apparently knocked it to the ground. "It's seven," he announced.

"And I _care._"

But it was hard to be irritated at her when she still looked nauseous. Beck rolled off the bed, shaking his head to clear it, and kneeled next to his girlfriend. Her hair was stuck to her forehead; there were dark circles under her eyes.

"You look like crap, babe."

Immediately, he got the distinct impression that if she could kill anyone with her mind right then, it would be him.

"When I don't feel like I'm being stabbed in the stomach," Jade panted, "you are getting punched _so hard._"

"Duly noted," he said gently. He pried her fingers from the trash can, trying not to look inside it. He loved Jade to death, but really, he didn't want to stare at the once-contents of her stomach if he could help it.

"This is all your fault," Jade said under her breath, even as she lay down on the bed again. Beck wasn't really sure how infectious bacteria could be attributed to him, but, as with many other things involving the way Jade's mind worked, he let it go. She batted him away when he tried to pull the blankets over her. "Don't _even_, I feel like I'm dancing in lava."

"Weirdest analogy ever," Beck informed her. The oh-so-convenient bullet-proof windows were doing a good job of keeping the always annoying sunlight out, but even so, he pulled the curtains over them. Better safe than sorry. Or something. He used to say that a lot more, except Jade usually twitched with annoyance when he did. A twitchy girlfriend was not fun.

…Neither was a pukey girlfriend. Jade sat up in bed, a hand over her mouth. Beck gave serious thought to participating in trash-can-handling Olympics as other meals of hers made a quick reappearance just moments later. Unsure of exactly what to do now, he settled on grabbing the length of her hair before the morning could graduate to a new level of gross and, to the soundtrack of retching, found one of the ponytail holders Jade secreted about the RV and hastily knotted the tangles of thick hair at the nape of her neck. Aside from saving her the disgust of vomit-y hair, it also proved to Beck very succinctly that he had no future in the hairdressing business.

Finally, Jade pushed the trash can away. He placed it carefully on the floor (no way _that _was getting knocked over). Jade shoved her way off the bed. "I guess this means you don't want a waffle," he said as the door to the RV's tiny bathroom slammed against the opposite wall. A quick bout of gargling later, she gave him a _look_. Beck raised his hands in acknowledgement. "Too soon."

"Damn right." Her voice was tired. "Go… get ready for school and stuff. Find me clothes." She brushed a hand over the mess of hair behind her head and frowned. "And a comb."

Beck stared at her. "You're not going to _school_…" He dearly wanted to add 'you crazy wench,' but figured that wouldn't go over too well when she was in this state. Actually, it probably wouldn't when she healthy. (And by 'probably,' he meant 'for fucking sure, man, what the hell? Do you find getting punched in the kidney a particularly exciting experience? !')

"Beg to differ," Jade snapped. She made her way back to the bed, collapsing there on arrival. She wiggled her fingers absently, eyes closed. "Clothes. Bag. Stuff. Find it."

"But—"

"_Now,_" she snapped, or tried to, at least, because it came out more like a weak whine. Beck nodded, then made an executive decision to make a waffle, brush his hair, and catch the tail end of Full House instead. Which didn't matter in the end, because ten minutes later Jade was curled onto her side, asleep.

In a fit of inspiration, Beck ripped out a page of his notebook and attempted to draw her a picture to wake up to, except it ended up looking like the both of them had been using hard drugs for sixty-seven years and he had a beavecoon on his head instead of hair. But he tucked it next to her sleeping body anyway, so at least she would be distracted from her sickness long enough to mock it mercilessly. Then, bag over his shoulder, he locked the RV's door as he left for school, Jade still sleeping peacefully inside. And she'd wanted to come too. He shook his head as he climbed into the car.

Crazy wench.

(Though, he might have done her math homework for her at lunch. Possibly. Well, even crazy wenches needed pre-calc assistance. But to be fair, he did deeply consider scribbling over it when he got a text at lunch asking why he drew her a picture of "two aliens suffering from various limb distortions.")

* * *

**_12:08 AM_**

**_To: Jade_**

_it's supposed to be you & me. i think it's beautiful and a masterpiece. possibly of mona lisa-esque proportions. _

_

* * *

_

**_12:11 AM_**

**_To: Beck_**

_It looks like what I puked into your trash can this morning._

_Just saying._


	11. Texting

**1:12 AM**

**To: Jade**

BABE.

* * *

**1:16 AM**

**To: Beck**

For the love of God, WHAT?

* * *

**1:17 AM**

**To: Jade**

I have epically amazing news.

Like I think you will squeal in a girlish fashion when you hear it. Honestly.

* * *

**1:19 AM**

**To: Beck**

Spit it out, Captain ADD.

* * *

**1:22 AM**

**To: Jade**

I was just about to!

* * *

**1:25 AM**

**To: Beck**

This is the 3rd time tonight you've had 'amazing news.'

NONE OF IT WAS AMAZING.

* * *

**1:27 AM**

**To: Jade**

That bird's nest outside the RV was pretty cool…

* * *

**1:30 AM**

**To: Beck**

It really wasn't.

At all.

Nor will it ever be.

* * *

**1:32 AM**

**To: Jade**

You're gonna regret saying that.

Because you wanna know what?

IT HAS SPECKLED EGGS IN IT.

* * *

**1:36 AM**

**To: Beck**

Can I cook them tomorrow?

* * *

**1:37 AM**

**To: Jade**

What is WRONG with you? !

* * *

**1:40 AM**

**To: Beck**

Maybe I was actually curious about the speckled eggs.

But apparently now there's something wrong with me.

* * *

**1:42 AM**

**To: Jade**

Really? 'Cause they were so cool!

* * *

**1:45 AM**

**To: Beck**

I bet they would taste delicious with bacon.

* * *

**1:46 AM**

**To: Jade**

YOU ARE JOYLESS.

In fact, you have been promoted.

To Colonel Joyless.

Or maybe Colonel Bird-Killer.

* * *

**1:49 AM**

**To: Beck**

I prefer the latter.

* * *

**1:53 AM**

**To: Jade**

Typical.

Are you not excited at all about this?

'Cause I was thinking it would make you dance with glee.

* * *

**1:55 AM**

**To: Beck**

As I often do.

* * *

**1:57 AM**

**To: Jade**

You should webcam that, actually.

Especially if you're wearing shorts.

And a tank top.

I would appreciate it.

* * *

**2:00 AM**

**To: Beck**

I'm sure you would, perv.

* * *

**2:02 AM**

**To: Jade**

Do you really wanna get into this perv thing?

Because you are not Miss Ingrid Innocence.

I am just saying.

* * *

**2:05 AM**

**To: Beck**

At least I don't text you all "hey, maybe you wanna webcam yourself dancing?"

"In questionable attire?"

"Possibly on a pole?"

* * *

**2:08 AM**

**To: Jade**

I NEVER SAID POLE!

Word twister-er.

* * *

**2:11 AM**

**To: Beck**

My mom took a pole-dancing class once.

* * *

**2:16 AM**

**To: Jade**

Why do I need that in my head. WHY. WHY.

OH MY GOD.

POURING BLEACH INTO MY EYES RIGHT NOW.

* * *

**2:18 AM**

**To: Beck**

I don't know why you're so upset. Mom's pretty hot.

For someone who's had to deal with me for 16 years, I mean.

Still.

Your dad's always going to win the hottest parent contest.

* * *

**2:19 AM**

**To: Jade**

JADE.

SHUT UP ABOUT THAT.

MY FATHER. IS NOT. **ATTRACTIVE**.

* * *

**2:20 AM**

**To: Beck**

Yeah he is.

I'd fuck him.

* * *

**2:23 AM**

**To: Jade**

Oh my god please shut up.

* * *

**2:25 AM**

**To: Beck**

Like, right here.

Right now.

…Maybe I am.

* * *

**2:26 AM**

**To: Jade**

You are not.

* * *

**2:27 AM**

**To: Beck**

Is he home right now?

* * *

**2:28 AM**

**To: Jade**

…

* * *

**2:30 AM**

**To: Beck**

Then I very well could be.

JUST SAYING.

* * *

**2:34 AM**

**To: Jade**

So just for clarification, you're paying my mental health fees, right?

Because this is going to send me into psychoanalysis.

"MY GIRLFRIEND CONSTANTLY REFERENCES HAVING SEX WITH MY FATHER, DOCTOR.

IS IT ME OR IS IT HER SICK FETISH?"

* * *

**2:37 AM**

**To: Beck**

Back up!

I have no fetish. He's just extremely attractive.

You can't deal with that fact and so you retreat in disgust.

Oh my God I'm the next Freud.

* * *

**2:40 AM**

**To: Jade**

You randomly pronounce your attraction to my dad.

That speaks of deep sexual problems.

* * *

**2:44 AM**

**To: Beck**

That speaks of the fact that he's ridiculously hot.

Also, you of all people know that I have no sexual problems.

Get it?

…Because we fuck a lot.

* * *

**2:48 AM**

**To: Jade**

Stop calling it that!

* * *

**2:53 AM**

**To: Beck**

We bang a lot.

* * *

**2:54 am**

**To: Jade**

NO!

* * *

**2:55 AM**

**To: Beck**

Got it.

We screw a lot.

* * *

**2:56 AM**

**To: Jade**

NO!

None of these terms are acceptable.

* * *

**3:01 AM**

**To: Beck**

What do you WANT me to say?

We fornicate oftentimes.

In thy RV of debauchery and sin.

* * *

**3:03 AM**

**To: Jade**

You are not amusing.

* * *

**3:05 AM**

**To: Beck**

Prithee! There be Vega, she of the whorehouse!

* * *

**3:08 AM**

**To: Jade**

I am not laughing.

Do you see any laughter here?

* * *

**3:13 AM**

**To: Beck**

Yea verily, I doth pronounce a ban on intercourse of a sexual nature.

We be too young and unwed to spoil thine bodies with this SIN.

* * *

**3:17 AM**

**To: Jade**

That is not how a real Puritan acts, I am like 78% sure.

* * *

**3:19 AM**

**To: Beck**

SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN.

SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN.

KILL THOSE WITCHES.

….**SIN**.

* * *

**3:21 AM**

**To: Jade**

Better, babe.

* * *

**3:22 AM**

**To: Beck**

I doth try.

* * *

**3:23 AM**

**To: Jade**

You should stop that now…

* * *

**3:24 AM**

**To: Beck**

Methinks it doth annoy thee.

So, alas, I shall continue on.

* * *

**3:27 AM**

**To: Jade**

How does this end up happening?

Last week you spent two hours talking in an Australian accent.

Then it was the stupid creepy man voice from Sikowitz's drive-by acting exercise.

NOW PURITANCAL?

What am I doing to deserve this?

* * *

**3:28 AM**

**To: Beck**

Calm thine soul, reckless devil-child.

* * *

**3:30 AM**

**To: Jade**

What the hell—

You are so annoying.

Like, to the extreme.

And no one else realizes it.

* * *

**3:31 AM**

**To: Beck**

Methinks thou should suck-eth mine dick.

* * *

**3:33 AM**

**To: Jade**

Yep. Only I get the magic that's you.

* * *

**3:35 AM**

**To: Beck**

You are SO lucky.

* * *

**3:36 AM**

**To: Jade**

Don't I know it, babe.

* * *

_fin._

* * *

**a/n: **Hnnnnng so many seperation lines. I don't even know what this is. It made me laugh so I figured that's a good criteria for posting, yep. Also I am convinced a constant argument Jade and Beck have is 'what word/phrase to use when referring to sex.' Beck tries for "making love" but she calls him a pussy and vetoes it. ANYWAY. In other news for things the readers probably don't care to know, the formatting took 48974242 hours. It had to be perfect hokay.

...And these things keep getting more explicit. I'll tone it down next time, promise. Thanks again to everyone who reads/reviews/faves/alerts. :)


	12. Book

**a/n: **Thank you allll for the awesome reviews for the last chapter. :) I'm posting this and going to _bed,_ lolol. Totally meant to work on like three different other fics, but... I distract myself. Enjoy!

* * *

"Hey— what're you reading?"

Generally, when Beck asked that of his girlfriend, several different answers were possible. A common one was, "What does it look like? Do we need to sound out the word? _Booook._ Excellent. Go be annoying somewhere else." Or there was always, "I am going to beat you over the head with it, get out of my face." And the ever-popular, "Why do you care? It's not Green Eggs and Ham, hence you can't comprehend it."

All of these, he was good with (surprisingly. Possibly worryingly). What he was neither good with nor prepared for was Jade shrieking, whirling around— thereby smacking him in the face with her hair, might he add— and flinging her book to the floor of the RV all in one motion.

"Uh," he said, spitting her hair out of his mouth. Ew. "You okay?"

"Don't— _do_— that!" Each word was punctuated by a smack on the arm. "Great, saliva on my extensions, too." Jade ran a hand through her hair angrily. "_Thanks._"

"You're so weird, nobody says 'saliva,'" Beck pointed out. "Why'd you freak?"

"Um, because you _pounced _on me. Like a stupid fat tiger."

"I'm… not fat…"

"Okay," Jade said.

"I'm not!"

"I believe you, Flabby."

Beck scowled. "You like my abs," he insisted.

She fiddled with her extensions again. "Okay."

"Jade!"

"Go away," she said succinctly, leaning off the bed to grab her book. When Jade had resettled herself and found him still sitting across from her, she rolled her eyes. "I know, my reading, it's fascinating. Go back to being lame or whatever else you do when I'm otherwise occupied."

"You mean actually finishing my homework."

"Whatever." There was a pause. "Write neat, I'm copying the pre-calc."

"Cheater." Beck shoved her arm lightly, then crawled over so that he could hover over her shoulder, something he knew annoyed her more deeply than anything else when she was trying to read. True to form, Jade gnashed her teeth as his chin came to rest on the strap of her tank top.

"Get. Off."

"But your shoulder is so, so enticing…"

"Freak." After a few seconds of silence, she slammed her hand down on the book's cover. "I am going to hit you if you do not get away."

"I don't _want _to move. We have a conflict of interests," Beck said knowledgeably.

"My interests beat yours. Move," Jade answered, because somehow her knowledge was always more important than his.

He used his relatively free arm, the one that hadn't gone and wrapped itself around Jade's waist (oh, wow, how did _that _happen. Bad hand), to pluck the book from her lap. "Lemme read."

"Hey!"

A second later, Beck was lying on his back with Jade sprawled on top of him. Admittedly a nice place to be, but not when she clambered off a moment later and took the book back with her. "_Leave_," Jade ordered.

"It's _my _bed," he said, quite reasonably if he did say so himself. And he did. A thought dawned on him. "Why so jumpy about the book?"

Jade raised an eyebrow. Just the one. Weirdo girlfriend. "I'm not jumpy."

"You flung it to the ground when I asked what you were reading," he reminded her.

Really, Beck knew her ridiculously well, because it was way too easy to see the internal battle she was having right then: admit he scared her, or admit she was reading something that he would probably mock. A conundrum. (Yeah, Jade taught him that word. What of it?)

"…You popped up out of nowhere, I freaked," she said calmly, slitting the book open to where she'd left off. "Kind of natural. Now get the hell off and/or away. Either is acceptable, both are preferred."

"I want to see," Beck said, and promptly leaned over and snatched the book back again. Jade's outraged "What the hell!" was followed by her lunging at him; the move didn't do much in the end, considering that he had flipped around and was lying on his stomach by the time she made contact.

"Mmphh," he said into the blankets, then: "Ouch, no hair pulling!"

"Give it _back, _son-of-a—"

"I am mortally wounded by your foul language," Beck said, flipping the book open. Jade had very conveniently folded down the page she was on, which meant that by the time her pale hands had snaked over his head and stolen it back (again), he had already been able to read enough lines to start laughing out loud.

…Apparently too gleefully, because his head stung sharply when Jade smacked him. "Don't _even_—"

"That's so _inappropriate,_" he interrupted, turning over and propping himself up to watch, smirking, as she tried to work out how exactly to deal with this. It was pretty damn amusing, actually. "You know," Beck continued, even as Jade's gaze turned positively venomous, "most chicks worry about their boyfriends surfing porn— I apparently have to worry about my girlfriend _reading _it—"

"One sex scene does not make it porn!" she yelled, throwing the book to the floor again in what he assumed was some kind of a 'take _that_.'

He looked pointedly at the book, back to Jade, and asked as seriously as could be managed under the circumstances, "So do our bodies _glisten_ when we do it, too?"

"I didn't say it was well-written!" Jade screamed. The scare-factor was negated by the flush on her face, which Beck thought about mocking before he remembered that it was kind of fun having all of his organs stay internal. "I _had _to grab this stupid one of Mom's—" Beck was then kicked in the shin, because he obviously had everything to do with her mother's choice of novels, "—because _someone_ wouldn't drive me to the library!"

"But that place is so _boring_," he groaned before he could stop himself. "And you take _forever_."

"This is why I'm going to end up leaving you for someone with the mental capacity to read something beyond the back of a box of waffles," Jade snapped back.

They were both silent for a long moment.

"So," Beck said into the quiet. "I mean, like, would you prefer it if started calling your eyes 'limpid pools of blue' or whatever, because I can totally swing that—"

Unfortunately for him, Jade West didn't throw even vaguely like a girl, so it took three days for the imprint of the book's spine to disappear from his forehead.

(Oh, and by the way, he totally checked that same night— they _don't _glisten, in case you were wondering. Even Jade seemed kind of relieved about that one.)


	13. Beach

**a/n: **Here, have an update after over a month. :D Because I can't seem to write anything lately, I've gone back to my ~fave~ of all-dialogue. (Again.) I love that shit. Since it confused some people last time, for clarification, Jade is the first one who talks here. And, yeah, just, I feel like I get repetative, but thank you to everyone who reviews, faves, alerts, and basically just enjoys this crazy-ass fic. xD Also, this chapter is totally for Sami. YOU'LL SEE WHY, DARLING. /cue skeavy wink. ;)

* * *

"Um, _what?_"

"You told me to call you."

"Yeah, but now I don't want you to. I'm busy."

"…With _what?_ It's the beach, how much is there to do?"

"Calm yourself, devil child."

"Oh my _God_, not this again."

"Shut up! I'm— Jesus, Cat, yes, I see the bird! Go catch it."

"She's not going to be able to catch it."

"I know."

".…"

"I'm hanging up now."

"So why the sudden affection for the beach?"

"I hate the beach."

"You hate anything involving the sun. And people."

"True."

"Anyway, I'm done with all my homework—"

"What kind of a little bitch does homework on a Sunday? Lame."

"I'm sorry, what was that, Miss I-make-my-boyfriend-carry-my-backpack-because-all-my-goddamn-books-weigh-too-much?"

"Fine, then, we can just break up and you can carry around Tori's backpack all the livelong day."

"…Who even uses the phrase _'_livelong day'?"

"I hate you."

"You're so lame."

"Fuck off."

"What nobody tells you is that we're only together because I'm the only one willing to put up with your lameness."

"Um, once again, fuck off. I have to finish my art."

"Art?"

"Three letter word, what we do at our high school, generally regarded as a part of culture. Want to spell it for me?"

"What are you making?"

"It's a surprise."

"Is it my face out of seaweed?"

"Um, no, what the hell is wrong with you? _Cat! _Quit fondling that seagull!"

"Oh my God."

"—Fine, but don't come crying to me when it pecks your face off!"

"…Hahahaha."

"_What?_"

"If she has her face pecked off, she can't cry. Aha, get it?"

"Sometimes I want to light you on fire."

"So do I get to hear more about your artwork?"

"Maybe."

"Medium?"

"It's sand."

"Aw, are you making a sandcastle?"

".…"

"I'm getting punched so hard when you get back."

"Yeah, you really are. Anyway, it's taking forever because Cat got distracted."

"You're shocked by that?"

"Not really. Also, she didn't think it was the most appropriate project. Don't know why."

"…Look, please tell me you're not—"

"I mean, I don't think most people would be offended by a ten foot penis in the sand."

"JADE!"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm expressing myself."

"Children play on that beach! Knock it down!"

"I've been telling them it's a snake. Calm your tits."

"I don't even have— you are screwing their heads up! Now when they have sex for the first time they'll just be like, 'What the hell is that, that lady at the beach when I was a child told me it was a snake! Shit!' And there will be a whole generation that never gets laid because of you!"

"…."

"…Jade?"

"Do you want a picture of me sitting on it?"

"NO!"

"This is actually a really inspired— Cat! _Cat, _it's a seagull, it can't marry your giraffe! …Because it's a fucking _stuffed giraffe!_"

"Hey, why don't you yell 'fuck' a little louder on the highly populated beach."

"_Fuck!" _

"Jade, that wasn't a challenge!"

"Should have specified that. Dude, the balls on this thing are like, massive."

"I'm so glad I know this."

"Should I make seaweed look like it's coming out of the tip?"

"You need to be checked out."

"Whatever, I am. Cat, get your ass in the ocean and find me some seaweed! –_No, _don't take the bird with you! Jesus—"

"How did she even catch it?"

"I don't really want to know."

"Maybe you and Cat can do therapy together. It'll be a bonding activity."

"I prefer to bond with people by having sex with them."

"You know, I could have guessed that, what with the whole penis-sculpting thing. Just saying."

"Cat is pretty hot, though. I'd do her."

"…Like, no, seriously, you aren't withholding any psychiatric treatments from me, right?"

"Possibly."

"We aren't having a threesome with Cat."

"Um, _duh._"

"Well, how am I supposed to know when you're being serious about this stuff anymore? God. When it comes to sex you're kind of—"

"Because I already decided that if we do have a threesome, it's going to be with Andre."

"Excuse me? !"

"Wait, I think it needs to be thicker on this side. _Cat_, hurry up with that seaweed! I swear, I am not giving mouth-to-mouth to that bird if you drown it, so be careful!"

"Wait, can we back up for a minute? _What?_"

"About the Andre thing? Yeah, we're so having a threesome with him."

"…Uh, no."

"Uh, yes."

"How about we just never have a threesome ever?"

"Would you be saying that if I had suggested one with Vega?"

"Why would you _ever _suggest that, like, _ever in the entire world?_"

"What the hell, you're not even answering my question! You want to bang her!"

"That's not what—"

"If you bang Vega, I am _so _banging Cat! Just so you know!"

"Okay, one, the correct response to cheating is not to have sex with someone else for revenge—"

"Oh my God, you are totally not lecturing me on what to do when you cheat on me."

"If, Jade, if, not—"

"So this is a literal possibility? ! Cat, get the fuck over here! And take your top off or something!"

"…How hard would you stab me if I said that sounded pretty hot?"

"You are such a fucking perv!"

"You told me you want to have a threesome with Andre!"

"I _said _that _if _we ever have one, it's going to be with him."

"Why are you allowed to use _if_?"

"Because I'm a fucking _beast_. No Cat, why would it be a— yeah, okay, yeah, it's a rocket. The seaweed is for blastoff. No, I wasn't serious about the top thing!"

"I thought she wouldn't help you because she thought it was inappropriate."

"Her memory's worse than Dory's, if you recall."

"Haha, you _so _absorbed that movie."

"Yes, unfortunately, you forcing me to watch a retarded fish movie did leave some aspects sunken in."

"So, when are you going to be— hold on, I have a new text."

"…."

"Jade, I told you I didn't want a picture of you sitting on it!"

"Now you have one anyway."

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"I suggest a scrapbook."

"You need clinical help."

"Title it, 'The Best Dick My Girlfriend Will Ever Get.'"

"…Oh look, it's my male ego, weeping alone in a corner."

"It's okay, you're up there too."

"_Gee, _thanks."

"If you'd like to try for the top title, I could be convinced to let you give it a shot."

"Your graciousness truly knows no bounds."

"I mean, I'd have to shower first and get all the sand out of my twat, but otherwise we're good."

"I'm a fan of you in the shower, so, you know. Whatever works."

"Cat, if you try and make that bird kiss me _one more time _I am going to fry it and eat it and _enjoy every goddamn bite." _

"I think now would be a good time to go."

"Save that picture I sent you. We're framing that shit."

"Just hurry up, Colonel Bird Killer."

"Saluting as we speak."

"Bye, babe."

"Bye."

"…."

"Seriously, _fuck that bird, Cat! _FUCK THAT BIRD!_"_


	14. Goals

**a/n: **when i felt shitty, i write ridiculous jade/beck. have some more all-dialogue. they're at their most amusing then, i think. :P sami knows where this one's from, hokay. xD i couldn't help but write it, darling. and, again, i'm so glad you guys are still enjoying this, like, a dozen chapters later. :) hopefully this one lives up to expectations, bahaha.

* * *

"Jade."

"May I help you?"

"What is this?"

"Oh. That."

"Yeah. _This._"

"…Hey babe?"

"What?"

"I really fucking love you."

"No. No, just shut up right now."

"I can't contain my love. It's like a bomb. It's going to explode. And shower everything with love."

"You'd think someone who reads as much as you do would have better analogies."

"Let's have sex."

"Explain this first!"

"Get in me first."

"You're so crude_._"

"I taught you that word."

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Huh. Usually you're more patient with me."

"Usually you don't do stuff like _this._"

"Babe. _Babe. _It's no big deal."

"How can you screw up a simple essay so much? !"

"I didn't screw anything up!"

"Miss Turco wants a conference with your parents!"

"Then it sucks to be her."

"I thought we talked about things like this."

"I don't know what you're referring to."

"Do you honestly not see the problem? Jade! —No, leave your shirt on, we are not doing this again!"

"I'm not a fan of clothing."

"You're not a fan of clothing when you don't want to deal with whatever I'm saying."

"Wise words, Gandhi."

"Is that supposed to be some kind of comment on my ethnicity or— hey! Pants stay on too!"

"Oh, look, too late."

"We are dealing with this right now, nakedness notwithstanding."

"I'm not naked. …Yet."

"Why would you write something like this for English class?"

"I was implying with that 'yet' that if you drop this, my being naked becomes a much more significant probability."

"Quit trying to turn me on with your impressive vocabulary. This isn't cool!"

"My twat? No, it's not. It's pretty hot, actually."

"That's not what I meant!"

"If we can just forget about this, I will deeply consider becoming a nudist."

"You practically are already."

"Like it bothers you."

"_Don't _take your underwear off!"

"Are you suddenly gay or something?"

"We are discussing this chiz now!"

"I really don't think we are."

"Miss Turco wants you to start seeing Lane on a regular basis."

"_What_? Why? !"

"Did you read the note she attached to your paper at all?"

"Uh, no. What have you been smoking? And I don't need the freaking guidance counselor! Miss Turco just needs to chill out and go get laid."

"_Jade!_"

"It's true!"

"I think I agree with her. We're talking to Lane tomorrow."

"You can't force me into counseling over this! It was an essay about my _goals in life. _That's really forward-thinking and ambitious!"

"Not when you write about how you want to be a pornstar!"

"…I figured you wouldn't be able to handle the truth."

"Jade! _Really._"

"It's a legitimate career goal!"

"So _far_ from."

"And who said I needed you permission? Maybe I'm already a pornstar."

"You are not!"

"Hey, maybe me and Andre make awesome interracial porn in our off time."

"Sometimes you make me want to weep."

"We're famous in Germany."

"Buckets of tears."

"Cat joins us on occasion."

"And then drown in them."

"Mmm, Cat's twat. In my _mouth_."

"We're going to Miss Turco's conference next week."

"Wait, what?"

"You can't write stuff like that and not apologize!"

"You're always whining at me about being _honest._ So what, now I have to be sorry for a virtue you instilled in me? Fuck that chiz!"

"Are you seriously twisting this into it being _my _fault?"

"Well, it _is_."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I wouldn't have to think about being a pornstar if _someone _agreed to put his webcam to good use."

"I don't want to see what we look like when we do it! Gross!"

"Oh, well, gee, thanks. My twat's gross. That's fucking lovely."

"I didn't _say _that, and— wait, hey, why do you call it a twat, anyway?"

"That's not the point! You called me ugly. Get away."

"I didn't call— when did I even say that?"

"It's okay, Beck. Just keep on setting fire to my hopes and dreams. Whatever."

"You can't be a pornstar!"

"You wanna make a bet?

"_No!_"

"By senior year."

"We aren't doing this."

"I'm a kind soul, you can join me."

"Wow. _Thanks._"

"Our first feature film would be _Aladdin and Jasmine: Wedding Night._"

"I feel like I say this a lot, but there's something wrong with you."

"I can get some veils, it'll be fun."

"Of course the only thing you describe as 'fun' is porn."

"Maybe not the tiger."

"I figured that went without _saying_."

"Or I don't know, maybe we can hit on a new demographic there."

"Please stop talking."

"…"

"And quit looking at me like that."

"I really, _really_ love you."

"We aren't making a porno!"

"Typical."


	15. Dinner

**a/n:** …...hey guys. how you _doin'?_

* * *

"Okay, but what if we knocked out the guard first?"

"_We're not robbing a bank._"

"You know what Beck, fine, _fine, _just stomp on my dreams with your steel-toed boots and laugh at my corpse, why don't you!"

"Oh my God, stop saying stuff like that!"

"What?"

"It's _creepy._"

"Is this why you always spend half our dates with your eyes closed?"

"I wouldn't have to if you didn't make me go see those— blood-fest movies!"

"Ha. Pansy."

"Seriously, you could probably drown in the amount of blood in the last one."

"You can hide in my shoulder if you want."

"An ocean of blood."

"_Now_ who's creepy, you psycho."

"What? Suddenly an 'ocean of blood' that _you_ wanted to see is creepier than you talking about your own corpse?"

"But I'd like my corpse."

"...Like, should we go see Lane again, or...?"

"No! God, don't even _say _that, you traitor."

"Okay, you know he means well—"

"We don't need any more pamphlets about venereal diseases!"

"Actually, my dad is taking a papier-mâché class and I let him shred them to use for practice."

"Since _when _is he taking a— I didn't even know those existed."

"Yeah, well."

"...We should go visit him."

"You're only saying that because he lets you eat his food."

"Pretty much."

"..._Fine, _I'll make dinner."

"Good girl."

"Stop that!"

"But I like emasculating you."

"I'm going to develop a complex."

"I can only _hope._"

"And then we'll end up on a talk show about relationships. But not a classy one. The kind where people take their shirts off."

"Oh, I'm _sure _you'd like that."

"Not like that, Jade!"

"Are you having this reaction because you're scared of Dr. Phil?"

"Oh my God, his _eyes!_"

"I don't know what you're talking about because he seems like a perfectly kind man."

"You don't think anyone is perfectly kind."

"I think Jesus got sorta close."

"I would take Jesus over Dr. Phil any day."

"Aw, you probably hurt his feelings."

"_Stop..._"

"I'm sure he'll remember that comment when he's standing over your bed with an ax."

"JADE!"

"Beck!"

"Stop mocking my fear."

"But it's _so _easy. Hey, what happened to making dinner?"

"How do I know Dr. Phil isn't crouched in the cabinets? !"

"Well, one, he's a grown-ass man and your cabinets are like two inches wide."

"It's an RV, give me a break."

"And I _repeat, _you are a _pansy._ Fine, if I get the food out, you'll make it."

"Thanks so much phrasing that as a question. I feel completely like I have a choice."

"You don't."

"I never do."

"That a complaint?"

"...Nah."

"Good. Because the complaint department doesn't care."

"You're such a moment-ruiner."

"I try."


End file.
